Change

What is wrong with me? I actually looked like a fool when I shouted at my bro wearing my Nike hood, and it felt so frustrating when there even ink stains on it, and he denied about having to do with it. My mom had to be the judge and I was slammed guilty - for an act of childishness. It's a test of patience seeing him wearing all my hoods and clothes, and screwing them up big time. This time, my white Nike hood was on him, and my love bubble popped.

"I bought this from China, fucker! Why must you screw it ?!" -me

"What about my shoes you worn? I bought those from Vietnam!" -bro

"I don't give a fuck! You want to row your way to China and buy for me if you screw it?" -me

"Then you go take a walk to Vietnam and get me another pair of shoes la!" - bro

From the above, I have already lost to him in the argument, because of I hurled vulgarities. Yes I am in the wrong. It was seriously an act of childishness after venting it out to my mother. She was teasing the both of us and told us that the countries that we were comparing about our stuffs. Come to think about it, China and Vietnam instead of Finland or Paris. Plain childish.

My mom told me that if I ever wanted to buy clothes or shoes, I would just name the price and she would pay for it. Sounds awesome right? But when you got two more brothers at home, the thought of their expenses stopped me right away. I've always wanted to authentic and durable stuffs, but they come at a high price. Eventually I have always settled for something fake and cheap, just like myself.

Through the argument, I was actually talking to my mom and sharing to her about my feelings in this home. At least it was worth it.

An even better news, she might throw me a farewell party before I enlist. Heads up people, you might be on my invitation list. (:

And I am going to groom myself for the upcoming graduation ceremony, all expenses from my mom.

From FML to GMH. It's defintely amazing.

What have I been exactly doing these few days?

I tell you the truth, I have been falling back into the worldly desires and temptations again.

At work, I've been super demoralized after calling so many companies and not one of them is interested to participate in my company's recruitment schemes. It's only a month, and the complaints start coming in. But I know, it's part of that genuine plan. Continue to persevere and hang on.

IronMan 2 and IpMan 2.

Who's interested?

Love

Jesus reminded us to love no matter how screw-ed a person can be, it's very convenient and easy to love people that are decent-looking or easy to communicate. First impression is always crucial when it comes to interviews or roaming around the workplace. Sadly, judging people has always been the number one spot on my list. I can never fail to condemn or judge about people, and unfortunately turning these people's flaws into my daily jokes. This is also known as putting one's happiness onto others' misery.

Surviving in the working society is never easy, you cannot differentiate between the good and the scheming. Once a colleague of mine was reading her book and playing Facebook in the office, so everything was cool and suddenly "BAM!", she received a warning from her supervisor after that. How nice. I know its wrong to do that, but cooping inside the office can really drive a person nuts for a long period of time.

Some of my temp colleagues have left, new faces joined. Honestly, it can be really tiring when the whole self-introduction thing starts again.

"Hi! I am Nicholas. Nice to meet you, first time working as an admin?"

"In BCA, we do have other temp colleagues too who are having the same job scope as us."

"Oh do you know how our elevator system works?"

Often I've will ask the same generic questions repetitively, and its becoming a routine. Love is a learning process, and God is good, He places different people from different walks of life to test our faith, and patience to love.

I cannot say that I am perfect, but sometimes people around you can be quite an eye-sore, to be honest. How I wished I could be straight forward and blast right into his/her face, but... I am still finding a solution.

Right now, He has placed someone new in my life. Caught by surprise, it is very difficult to show love to such person. Hidden beauty is what really matters, not the external appearance.

We've all... been tricked my friends.

Enlistment

i received my letter of enlistment yesterday. it states in the letter that i am going to pulau tekong on:

29th JULY 2010, THURSDAY.

and so i was browsing through facebook and this is what i saw:

FESTIVAL OF PRAISE

30TH-31ST JULY 2010, FRIDAY - SATURDAY.

FuckMyLife.

seriously.

Renovation

i need to renovate myself again, from the inside out.

what's wrong with being honest nowadays? there's nothing to be ashamed of, don't need to feel pai sei or whatsoever.

honestly, i am disgusted with hearing generic and "what-seems-to-be-on-the-surface" answers. come on! say the truth, nobody will condemn you for that!

for example,

"i like you very much!"

"i am (fill in the blanks)!"

"I do (fill in the blanks)!"

and the list goes on...

winning wednesday

one thing to be thankful today: i spent $1.65 the entire day!

i was invited for a company lunch treat, and i went 5 rounds plus dessert! it was super delicious, and work today was quite slack though. not sure whether i did it right, but i don't care already. my spending budget has been changed to red alert, my next pay would be on the 7th of may.

i am totally good-gamed.

my wallet has only 10 bucks left, with 30 bucks in my bank account. it's a test of faith and discipline on my expenses. (:

no mood to post about any stuffs, recently felt alone again. damn it.

to my brothers who are going through a very rough period, regardless of whether you are in the army, school or even at work. here's one advice to you, go and read christina's wordpress. read what God is doing for her life right now, and be inspired to put back your focus on God. right now, even i myself cannot provide the right solution to spur you back on the right track.

it's okay if you are hurling crude words or pointing the middle finger towards someone, but at the end of the day, it's not that person you are accountable to. your behavior, words, thoughts reflects your attitude and the relationship between you and God. God allows us to do so, because it's a choice. don't blame Him just because your life is screwed upside down, instead be thankful, because the next thing you might know, you would be sharing another great testimony at church. of course, that comes with a focus, a spiritual focus.

oh man, i don't even know what i am blabbering. if you want to experience the feeling of happyness, come join me this weekend at __________.

BLUE

blue was the colour worn during yesterday football game, in which we killed the game, courtesy goals from edward (debut game), marcus and tey. the game tempo was set at a high pace that almost took my life during the first half. thankfully the rain came and i felt like lightning in the second half, fortunately i wasn't struck by it. 3-2 was the score that evening, and with the ratio of youths overpowering the adults, it seems that we are ready to take on other church teams around Singapore. heh

monday blues as usual today, gonna meet up with pastor joseph and yiyuan for dinner at bugis later. i remember the first time we met was during 2008, at adam food court centre, and talking about random stuffs and my family issues. no i didn't teared at all, maybe i had a stoned heart. hahaha.

chilling session at macdonalds' with choy, marc, wc, edward, monica and yvonne was honestly fun. gossips and discussions were held, and i guessed edward could not take in a lot after last night. i like the part where wc played the koala bear and choy being the tree. that was the limelight of the night, i mean seriously, the illustration was superb. great night with them, it always sucks when its time to go home.

skipped church service and that really was a smack right at my face.

being honest about yourself and towards people, is that ever a good thing? i guess it is a good thing after all. i just hate beating around the bush and trying to convey someone a message. it's super difficult, and it's never a nice feeling if you find out that you are being rejected straight in the face. "chang tong bu ru duan tong" - yes that's what they say, might as well go die, even better. heh.

SIAN. i am starting to look forward to the weekends already.

Girls v.s Women

another few more days to the countdown of my first month anniversary working at BCA. and yes, i am not going to chase girls anymore. i am turning my attention towards the mature, elegant and attractive capable women in the working society. to put it in simple words, office ladies la. heh.

it is a very sudden random thought, oh i organized a dinner outing today, and it was so screwed up that i had a bad stomachache when i got home. i am never having steamboat buffets at bugis again, definitely not. i wasted eighteen bucks, and i spent 130 dollars today. what have i done? :O

with only half of my salary left and another half of the debts to clear by this week, i am really hoping that my parents would still provide me with a reasonable allowance to last through next week. i am starting to keep an account on what i have spent and how much i have saved. bear with me brothers, sisters and whoever's out there, it's going to be a stingy and scrimp-y period for me now until church camp.

if you are wondering why i am not doing any comparison between girls and women, its pretty obvious to me, i am not sure whether you have the same sentiments too. girls are defined to be age under 18? or younger perhaps? unless you have attained all the criteria above mentioned, you are not considered a woman. heh.

pardon me for speaking nonsense, i am very tired right now. thankful for soccer gathering tomorrow, cell group and island creamery outing with them !

weeee :D

Tired Tuesday

i am feeling very tired now~ no not emo, just lethargic. it was raining pouring super heavily just now, and i was refreshed by those thick droplets of rain on my face while walking home. just felt the need to be spiritually refreshed by God, as i have been thinking a lot of nonsensical stuffs recently.

i suddenly feel surrounded by a lot of new faces lately, be it in church or workplace. unfortunately, all guys. i know God forbids homosexuality, but surely don't treat me like that la. but since its part of His plan, i shall stick to it. maybe i said something before... oh yeah! my new year resolution! it is found in choy's blog, one of those previous posts in the month of january. i mentioned that i wanted to have new brothers to join our group, and join us in chill-out sessions and outings.

but its difficult la. damn it.

on a random note: i cannot stand gays/homosexuals. but pretty lesbians, can. :)

A Plan

finally, a solution to break the ice - play ice breakers! great, what a terrible idea that was. in fact, the genuine plan to break the ice is God's plan. so let us see what has the bible got to tell us:

Phillipians 1:6:

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to a completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

a plan that never fails, a genuine plan that the world is not able to create, but only by the wisdom of God in the bible. and it is known that, to understand this plan is pretty simple. just read the bible everyday and pray to God! its pretty simple but difficult to stay consistent. it's the only way to know God's plan for us. JC is the way, the truth and the life.

i know i don't sound convincing at all, but i realize that God's plan for us is stay hold steadfast and strong to Him in faith. but those who have been following him for years, are suddenly beginning to doubt, or even fall away from him. how can they pick themselves up from the falling to the enemy?

1 Corinthians 9: 24-27

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified."

no matter how long the years might be, or how long the distance we have to run, how difficult it is to live in the world and serve God, it's all part of His plan. He knows what we are thinking, our prayers, our needs, our cries, our hatreds. everything within us, He knows.

this is an encouragement to all those who are in doubt of God, or maybe, still searching for an answer from Him. today, God has already answered your prayers. the question is, are you ready to accept it ?

i know God has a romantic plan in stored for me, i can't wait to find out that romantic surprise. maybe its gonna happen before the enlistment? or after 2 years? i thank you, Lord JC, for breaking this ice today. :D

Frozen

i woke up late in the morning, but it was still a good start on monday. work kept me occupied throughout the whole time, in order to divert my emo-ness away. also, it was my first time getting scolded by a job seeker over a phone conversation. instead of being frustrated, i actually felt helpless and disappointed. there are still many unemployed people out there who are unable to feed their families, and are in the brink of desperation. we never thought that this could happen to us, but this is real. unemployment can really lead a person to do desperate things in order to feed his wife and children.

i thank God for the financial stability in my family, i really do...

and while browsing through facebook and seeing some of you whining over school and other matters, it really bothers me. come on, we should be appreciative of where we are right now, be it in school, internship, or even mugging for your Os' and As'. yes keep complaining and whining now. someday if you are in the working society, and you say: "how i wish i was back in school."

i would look at you and reply: "fuck you" (:

yes i am a temp admin office boy, but i treat my work seriously and deliver them at the best quality and efficiently. though it's still a government sector, i never fail to complete my work before 6 in the evening. however, i am disappointed by the fact that my brother is gonna quit his job soon. yes i understand what you are going through at work, but eventually, excuses are excuses. we are more than conquerors of this world, what can scoldings and persecution do to us? just like what elaine said, never be a quitter. and i will never become one.

but still, i respect the decision you made and wish you all the best. i will still be there bro.

i am not a quitter, and i will never become a quitter. i fell, but i will pick myself up and improve on the areas which is stopping me from becoming who i want to be. i will fight on, because i am a fighter, and a warrior.

i will fight on, and sooner or later i will melt this ice.

Stunned

i can understand what the manchester fans are going through now, because i am stunned too. not by the results against blackburn, but something else.

just hope the weekend would come soon, wanna chill out with my brothers again, as the whole entire group once again.

...

Sprained Ankle

beautiful girls all around singapore, i could be chasing but my time would be wasting. well you are the only exception, you are the only exception, well you are the only exception. and it's worth the risk~

so i was playing football with the brothers at cage, kallang. i tried to be like lionel messi, scoring 4 goals, and i sprained my ankle. what a mess. it means i am out for the next soccer gathering, damn it. looking forward to the next church game after service on sunday.

i have not been sleeping well these few days, and i am typing a lot of boring stuffs. no worries, i will post up juicy news about myself and the people around me soon.

hopefully some pictures would be better. :D

Town Outing Thursday!

i have a question: "why is everyone so interested in who i like?"

honestly, i can't give you a confirmation for now, and if you are trying to dig out the cat from my close brothers and sisters, good luck to you. heh, i am unpredictable. sigh. God, can't you just bless me with the perfect girl, and live happily ever after ? just kidding, it will never come true.

the perfect girl, the perfect relationship with her, the perfect date, the perfect wedding. boomz! yeah right. that explains why i always grow white hair, it's not because i'm stress but rather i think about stupid things.

oh yes, congratulations to marcus lim for scoring a ride to sweden! and i am so happy for him because not only he gets to savor swedish meatballs, manchester are out of the champions league. bye bye !

today's football friday! gonna play at cage later at 10pm - midnight, it's gonna be a wild one. thank God for friday, because i am only working half day.

thanks to amelia, i am going to get two pairs of fred perry shoes! :D

Tiko-Tuesday!

working in the afternoon is fun, because none of my supervisors are around. yes, i've got 3 supervisors and i'm surrounded by them in cubicles. but i wasn't slacking, i was busy making calls to several companies hoping that they would be interested to take in candidates from our head quarters. i don't know why i can only make those calls when they aren't around, my confidence comes only when i am working alone. weird working ethnic. anyway its gonna be minutes to 6 before i knock off, for football.

anyway, i've decided not to get a new pair of soccer shoes after thinking throughout the entire morning. good bye predator, good bye mercurial, good bye t90 laser. say hello to either sneakers from fred perry, ben sherman, vans, converse and the list goes on... if anyone has a better suggestion please tag me on facebook! kindly appreciated it, because i know you are reading my blog too. (:

i wanna update you guys on my life right now. i am sailing on a beautiful day, on that peaceful and baby blue ocean, and in it are the beautiful rainbow corals and marine species, with dolphins dancing beside my yacht. i am not a good story teller, but i guess this chapter in my life is called: "renewed, recharged and revived". i don't wish to rewind back to the past, i don't wish to rewind back to my broken relationships and pondering about whether i would be able to find a better opposite.

no, i want to rejoice! the first quarter of the year was seriously bad/atrocious/sinful/frustrated/disappointed/emo.

it's the start of the second quarter of the month. i don't hope. i pray that life right now is gonna be much more exciting!

... oh well at least apart from work.

being random though, anyone interested to sing k box again ?

S.O.R

profile: the sound of resurrection
d.o.b: somewhere in the month of february
description: percussion/drums ministry

members:

1. wei qian
2. daniel
3. edward
4. makan
5. david
6. ashok
7. benard
8. zhengyu
9. srijan
10. marcus
11. stanley
12. yiyuan
13. nicholas
14. jinwan
15. qiu tong
16. joanne
17. amelia
18. charmaine
19. clara
20. monica
21. wen ting
22. kok chye
23. elaine
24. adelene

in 2009, the percussion ministry started out with just less than 10 members. today the percussion hub has brought in many new and non-christians from the different walks in life. a year has passed, and look at that significant increase in the attendance! it's not the end yet, its just the beginning of the many great things that are yet to come! indeed, some left, some became stagnant, some were inspired, some didn't bothered, even so, it really goes to show that God never fails when we trust Him. :) after easter's performance, i believed that these young members' lives are really touched by the love of our God, and will continue to hang on to their faith on God. great job and awesome performance people. ;)

wait wait, what about the senior members ? where have they gone ? are they going to perform anytime this year ? relax, God is in control.

firstly, elaine's debut performance last year was probably the last one too, but it was really great having her onboard with us during that period, especially when she had to paint her face! kok chye's currently still serving the national service and might be away for another year before coming back. adelene also stepped down from the ministry as she had to lead in many other areas in the church. it was really fun having the senior members around, but with new generation rising up, it's gonna get better and better.

i will definitely be back soon, together with marc and stan. this time, it ain't gonna be performing to glorify myself, but to perform for God as a form of worship. to be honest, whenever i perform, it was always for my own glory. i failed to understand the ultimate purpose of being in the ministry - using the sound of percussion to invite non-believers and inspire them to play music even though they suck. i didn't played for easter, when uncle ken asked me, i also didn't know how to answer that.

currently i am in the midst of choreographing next year's easter performance, i think it's gonna be another awesome performance!

the sound of resurrection. a name that i came up with, and proud of it. :)

like i said, this is not the end yet. it's just the beginning.

it's a ministry that consists of many young members, and it started out from nothing, to an inspiration, music that makes an impact and change lives in each of these members. personally, if only they were much more discipline...

now why do i say that ?

whenever wei qian shouts: "don't play your instruments", "quiet!", "gather closer", or "go to your respective positions and get ready", they don't listen. and wei qian must really repeat a lot of times before getting them to settle down. its okay to have fun and enjoy each others' presence, but also bearing in mind that being discipline also helps one to become mature and develop better spiritually level. so far, daniel is the most attentive and disciplined member in the ministry. unfortunately, he's leaving in august. ):

but then again, if Moses could handle thousands of Israelites, a group of 20 over members shouldn't be a problem. like i said, be discipline lo...

I WILL BE BACK.

VivaJesus

"above all power, above all things, above all wonder and all created things...crucified, laid behind the stone, You lived to die rejected and alone. Like a rose, trampled on the ground, you took the fall, and you thought of me... above all."

"Lord i lift your name on high, Lord i love to sing your praises... You came from heaven to earth to show the way, from the earth to cross, my debt to pay, from the cross to the grave from the grave to the sky. Lord i lift your name on high... "

plus with percussion performance and an additional worship songs from the south african team... easter was simply awesome. the weekend really drained away my human strength, but i was spiritually recharged, revived, and renewed... once again. however, i am still disturbed by one thing, i guess some of you might have already known. am i being too paranoid ?

forget about the premier league, my weekend went super crazy! on friday night, choy marcus and i went a road march from bugis all the way to toa payoh, and had ba kut teh before resting for the next morning, which was just a few hours away. on saturday night, headed to choy's house to catch the man utd and chelsea match with alan and marcus, only to find ourselves at united square around 1 plus in the morning. due to the timing, i had to stay at marcus house again before heading to the morning service on sunday. great. :D

lunch treat by gerard (marcus's cousin) at marina square and kbox session with marcus and the ladies wrapped the whole weekend up in style. by the way, thank you gerard for the lunch meal, although i don't feel pai seh when people treat me to makan, but yesterday was teh first time. so a really big thank you to you... (:

besides those times in yunnan, i realized that i spent a lot of time with marcus during this weekend, two one night stands plus the kbox session. once a shepherd of mine, now a brother. and i can't help but think of the past where he's blessed me with formal clothes, meals, swensens, frog leg porridge and the list goes on. i am such a disappointment, cause i have never done anything for him once. maybe the best gift i can give him now is my time and singlehood ? wahahaha! anyway thanks bro for everything you have done. let's just put away the soccer thing, till tomorrow. LOL

you guys must be wondering whether i am at work or not, indeed i am working now, but my supervisors are away for job fair event. so once again, monday blues in the office... let's hope it will be a good start and end for this week. i can't wait for church camp leave to be approved, i shall ask my bosses after prayer meeting this month. :)

wordy wordy wordy blog. wonder if anyone ever gets pissed off by my posts. i am just simply too lazy to post up pictures.

a blog expresses an individual's feelings or emotions about a person. it allows one to share his happiness and vent his frustration in this online space where everybody can know what's going on in your daily activities.

a few brothers of mine are recently being played out by women, and they're local. these brothers unfortunately are nice and decent chaps, only to find out that these women are either putting their friends and passion ahead of them, or have already found someone else. i have not suffered from a broken heart for almost more than 3 years already, so i can't really empathize with them. what i can afford are my ears and personal time with them, and it has been on-going for several days. you know who you guys are.

i was walking around town today, and not surprisingly i saw many young couples, same age as me or even younger! ranging from holding hands to many new kinds of 'hanky-panky', this is our new youth generation. i don't envy, nor do i get jealous that easily, but i am still single!

i feel for my brother now who's being played out by this random person. yet, i cannot teach the wrong methods to him, i gotta play the 'big brother' role model towards him. it's difficult to pretend in front of him and say things that doesn't make sense. in fact, i feel for all my brothers who are going through the same shit in relationships.

they are good men, but because of the hurt you caused them. they become the fallen, doing things that aren't themselves, causing them to harbor thoughts that aren't healthy to the mind and blaming themselves for allowing this to happen. and you women get away scot-free.

i am not trying to be sexist. sometimes it's not all about us, you are part of it too.