the most stressful point of my life? when it comes to project work, not the percentage of it but the teammates that have landed on them. yes they are like ticking time bombs, to stop them from detonating i've to cut the wires or swallow all of their bombs. these are people that you don't want to be friends with, let alone hang out with them. they can be your acquaintances or your Facebook friends but please don't get close to them, they might leech or "rape" your work performances. it's the same when it comes to the army, the phrase also known as "chao keng", its not unusual to see this genre of people in your platoon. sometimes, they could be your buddy, and that's a nightmare. they can share absolutely an abundance of knowledge to the naive ones, and your reaction would be like: "are you serious? wow! you are too good to be true! you can dig the shell scrape in less than one hour?!"

the truth is, they never ever been to outfield, due to their "i-think-i-am" problems.

i think i am unable to participate due to my bad stomach pain.

i think i am unable to participate due to wrist pain, this pain that pain.

and the list goes on...

get a life, "chao keng" warriors. your parents must be pretty pretty disappointed in you. LOL.

recently i have been pretty angst when i see this category of people, their sight irks me.

the deathly hallows is definitely worth a second watch (:

my birthday is coming.

2010 is coming to an end.

i am still single.

friends around me are getting married year by year.

i can still kick a soccer ball and my idol is cristiano ronaldo.

i got a gold for ippt.

my journey with the air force is an exciting one, with a lot of faces coming in and out of my life, i've learnt a lot from them too.

girls nowadays are going for ugly yet wealthy guys.

guys are doing the reverse psychology to spite the girls back

what for?

LOL

are all women really fanatic about hygiene or housework? i seriously don't know why. even my previous commanders in bmt aren't as fussy as my mom. she keeps talking about household and tidiness and blah blah, please please just stop. i am turning 20 and yet i have to put up with such nonsense, i am already troubled with my own problems at work and with myself. i am seriously screwed up. the only consolation is my pilot interview, even so, the results would only be out on monday! my mom keeps mopping the floor and vacuuming and shouting at me over a strand of hair in the house! do you think she is being over sensitive? phew oh my goodness, this is too much. so much for listening skills, i can't even stand that 100db for more than 5 minutes. its worst enough that i have no room of my own, no privacy. i can't expect to hide in the store room forever.

if my wife is as fussy as my mom, may god take over this life of mine.

i know everyone likes living in a clean and comfortable environment, our house is definitely more cleaner than our neighbors' combined together. so why complain? looks i am going to kiss my weekends in december goodbye already. i deserved it, but please don't add any more fuel to my life already.

i go to work everyday with this sense of fear, fear that i might be out of course due to any stupidity i might create at work. i am getting more and more timid, and this isn't the real me. i want to have more guts, i want to overcome myself, i want to lead people, i want to be an inspiration. and when i die, i want them to remember who i was.

i need to have balls of steel. if i want to grab that girl's number, i will not hesitate nor chicken out. i will approach her and be a gentlemen. but that's not the point. the point is - i need to take charge of my life and not let others say or comment on how i should lead myself.

my mom is too obsessed with the household, no wonder my family is going to bits and pieces. my brother who is struggling with academic doesn't seem to appreciate school, and she keeps reprimanding him without even trying to help him. my dad just sticks to the laptop all day long. second bro is a pure dumb fag who doesn't give a shit about what family is, and all he cares about is himself and money.

sometimes, can i still worship and praise him despite all these? i know god is bigger than all these, i know i know i know. but i don't seem to have this connection with him, its either the router's damaged or my faith has been dropping like flies. i need god's grace to be upon me all the time, i am imperfect. i need god's mercy to be upon my tongue and mind. i need god to be protect me against evil. sometimes i will think that the devil is actually me.

crap i am having so much thoughts running through that i am gonna break the commando's timing.

now here comes part 2: mom versus dad - over the slightest thing again. why can't there be co-operation? why can't there be love?

do i still want to get married? do i still want to have kids?

i think i might have to think more than two times.

Lost in time.

It doesn't feel right especially when all your army buddies (almost all the guys from my mobile contact) have to book in on a Sunday night. Pondering on the difference between "This is bad" or "This is good", I seriously don't know which one I belong to. It's almost a month now being a half civilian and half military-man. I have so much time in the world now to spend, but on what?

1. Worship

2. Youth Camp

3. Fitness training

4. Gaming

I don't know how to begin on the reflection of worship. I need inspiration.

What I am thinking now, is a record that I wanna break. 7 days and counting... Let's see where this will take me to.

God willing.

BMW @ Marina Bay Sands!

This is for you Marcus Lim!~

* Credits to the photographers who were at MBS.

Lan lan lan!

Sinong & Joe's blessed wedding!

Lost in the streets of Sichuan.

Choy's birthday celebration!

I was browsing through my older posts in Facebook and saw a phrase on my wall which stated: "Something special is gonna happen this week, something big." Yes, this phrase was typed by me last week, and following after that something big really happened - I got charged. How coincidental.

The situation is starting to become neutral as the days pass, however my physical fitness is also starting to drop rapidly due to not exercising for almost 3 weeks already. Soon it will become a crisis for me if I don't start to do something, or run.

Another 3 weeks or more before my brother Marcus is returning home, I think by that time our soccer skills should be able to thrash him completely by the rate he is enjoying life there. HAHA. I seriously hope he remembers ( fill in the blank ) us!

Praise

I spent some time reading on the importance of praise. It's simple, praising God wherever we are. It could be at work, at school or even in the army. As for myself, I praised God in my sleep (slept almost the entire day at work) with my Ipod. And it's the bad times that my praise for Him should be even greater, because it is a source of power to battle against my worries and struggles with my ill-discipline and the consequences that have yet to be confirmed against me.

Ade suggested that I should come up with a list of prayer items. Cool.

Praise God in times of good and evil and bad.

Well I got busted, I got scolded, I am staying low for some time. Mom and Dad are still ignorant of it. God is still with me and He will pull me through out from all these, I just know it.

Indeed it was a lesson learnt for me: Don't and never be caught again, be shrewd and wise.

I will be back.

Memoirs

Everybody wants to be a record-breaker, to show others that they are capable of achieving things that are not of normality. Just like the 1000 sit-ups, no one would ever thought of doing it, not to mentioning completing it in less than 3 hours. And so I sat at the canteen wondering to myself: "I wanna do something big, something memorable within this 3 months. Something positive, something special (Not slashing people at Downtown East nor become a infamous rapist.)".

A book named "The Kite Runner" was bought around last year, and it was put at one of my drawers to collect dusts. Since Friday, I've started to read it and on my way to completion by tonight. A series of emotions rushed through my head as the pages flipped, creating images that formed a movie as the author described and wrote the life in Afghanistan, how the characters portrayed the definition of betrayal, love and broken relationships in this book. To be honest, I had to hold my tears while reading through the last few pages of it, my army mates were surrounding me at the reading area.

Maybe I could use reading to start improving on my grammar and vocabulary. Doing pull-ups has also been one the recent disciplines that I have started to cultivate. Due to huge amount of food that I'm gobbling ever since I stepped into CMPB, IPPT could be a major problem for me.

I am thinking of a topic to write in my blog, something with a sense of humor yet bringing out something that is real and honest. How about the army? My spiritual walk?

Tuesday was supposed to be 'Meatball Day' at Ikea, also my first encounter with those delicious swedish meatballs. The long queue was worth it, and their restaurant had this very organized yet accessible system for consumers to choose their appetizers, main courses and desserts. Thumbs up for that!~

But that wasn't the main point. I received a text from her prompting me if I was at Ikea. Amazed, I looked around and saw Aunt Dawn and Danielle having their lunch too. What a coincidence. I hope God would throw me more surprises like this. (:

Yesterday I ran 7.5 kilometers to burn off all the calories that I stored since Monday, with a timing of 40 minutes. Yes I am determined and motivated to maintain my standards and not let this 3 month-period take away my physical and combat fitness. It has also gave me another inspiration to start my own personal record: swim 100km in 3 months and complete 1000 hours of sleep at work everyday.

It's a pity that I cannot join the full marathon this year, but that won't stop me from running.

A goal to achieve, and records to break. How can I possibly let this 3 months go to waste? The thought of getting a driving license has been hindered by my lack of funds in the bank. As an officer-to-be cadet, I need to rack my brains for a win-win solution for my pocket and time.

My brothers, oh my brothers, I have not been in contact with you all since I stepped into OCS. Now that I am finally released from there, I didn't have to beg for more time or whatsoever. In fact, I have all the time in the world now! Please please meet up and play lan or eat Macdonald's or risk or monopoly deal, anything will do, I wanna be in all of your presence. It does sound a lil cliche, but oh what the heck.

Marcus will be coming back to Singapore soon, Alan will be touching base either tomorrow or Friday. (:

Nice!

As for me, I am waiting for my pilot interview and eye screening. Okay here's the catch:

1. If I do get through everything, and before going to Australia I have to go for this spine scan. If the results shown that my spine is a bit out of shape, I would be down PES and become a clerk for the next 2 years.

2. If I fail the pilot interview, I would wait for the next OCS batch intake and become an Air Force Engineer.

Life after OCS

The transition from BMT to OCS has been full of ups and downs for me, leaving behind memories that will only be kept in my heart. Being a recruit certainly is better as compared to an officer cadet, because the discipline is not as stringent and all you have to do in Tekong is listen and wait for instructions. In SAFTI, marching is compulsory everywhere inside the camp! Regimentation is indeed troublesome and there were times I whined and kept complaining, but in this two weeks, I realized that this cultivated more self-discipline in myself. Lesser procrastination, more time for area cleaning and doing journaling every night, however I still couldn't escape the Facebook temptation.

Being one of the few selected to come OCS is an honor and privilege. I think its because of the pressure and being among the best soldiers enabled myself to score an IPPT gold for the first time ever too.

I completed many firsts in that place; chemical warfare, tower run, 5m confidence pool dip and navigation. Hotel wing was where I stayed, and my wing commander was a very influential man. He made the wing do something that none of us would ever believe we can do it - 1000 sit ups. Yes, we did 1000 sit ups in about 2 and a half hours. Of course, the pain was excruciating on our butts and backs while bathing, super memorable. Everyone received a certificate to compliment our achievement. My friends from other wing could do nothing but envy at us. It definitely inspired to yearn to do more, what else? 100 pull ups? 100km swim?

"If you believe in it, you will get to see it." LTC Fred Cheong, Hotel Wing.

Sadly, I've been posted out from OCS to Air Force Recruitment Center. The journey that I am going to embark now has taken another direction, the calling of a pilot. Whether or not I make it depends on the upcoming interview.

I wonder what's going to be in store for me next...

This is it, its the final countdown to my first ever Pass Out Parade at the Marina Bay platform! I am worrying that the amount of pictures taken that day would be little, but wait, I don't even have a camera. pfft.

I actually penned the deal to sign on with the Air Force, not sure whether this is the right move I've made, I just hope its not a regretful decision made.

So many things, yet with only one week left ticking on my watch, I am seriously starting to ponder where my next phase of army life is gonna take me. Hopefully, I won't become a rifleman.

If you are thinking that I have become a nicer person, think again. I have gone back to where I was in the past.

What's wrong?

There's something terrible going on within myself. I'm am very sure I know what it is, but I can't seem to take it out from me. Venom has arrived at my doorstep, devouring my good flesh every single minute.

Grenade!

"Grenade loud loud!" - Wrong demonstration. I thought I could heave a huge sign of relief as all the high-key events had finally come to an end. And yet, I was wrong. Due to the heavy downpour on Wednesday, the entire live grenade throwing had to be postponed.

Thankfully, I passed my second IPPT! I can't boast much about my chin-ups yet, it's pretty half screwed-up-but-yet-somehow I did it, 6 pull ups in total. I shall not mention the rest of the stations, its a waste of time. Just when I thought IPPT was already jialat enough, the next event was introduced during the start of the week - Standard Obstacle Course. So there were a few stations that were idiot-proof, but yet there were two stations that took away my palms. The blisters and burns definitely screwed up my mood this whole week.

During my BMT life, the rationales behind every punishment or every procedure gave me a clearer picture of why I had to go through all these. Seriously, the physique and mental strength have increased. Though it's a positive sign, the only negative thing is, once we are out from our BMT life, everything goes back to normal.

Credits and kudos to those who were always there for me during this period of my life. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my butt... I mean heart. You guys are just awesome. (:

We come from different walks of life, realizing that we have the same goal to strive for - Pass Out Parade (POP).

Counting down with only 28 days left, this is it my fellow recruits, this is it.

Okay its dinner time! I am back home people...

Out-fielder and marksman.

Life in BMT has been increasingly getting interesting, especially after the outfield camp. To be honest, there are some recruits who don't like me and vice versa. Even so, it's gonna be two months, so I would have to just suck my thumb and move on with it. Listening has become another plus point for myself, especially when I seldom talk a lot inside camp. They would always entertain me with their jokes and stories, instead of the other way round.

Coming back to Singapore whenever I book out, I would never fail to walk alone in Cold Storage, my new hang out area. Few reasons would be to get stuffs for area cleaning and food that I want to learn to cook when I have more time for myself at home, and buy snacks to reward myself whenever a week is completed. I've also started to buy my own essentials like toiletries and household items for my parents.

Tomorrow would be my 12km route march, and then SIT test, which finally leads to my IPPT.

If I pass...

HAHA

Back from confinement

Two weeks from confinement in Tekong, and I am finally back to the Singapore shore. Instead of cheering and yelling those two words "book out" along with my section mates, my mode of celebration was much low profile, because I was reflecting the moments that happened throughout the adjustment period.

I could never forget that first day of enlistment, especially when my parents bade me farewell. At that very instance, I thought to myself: "Why am I on this island? What lies ahead? Why do I have that sexual organ?"

But it was through this period that I realized the meaning of home, a family, and what does it mean to cherish and appreciate friends around me. On the second or third night in camp, I broke into tears upon hearing my mom's voice. My buddy thought I was blowing my nose, because I was putting my head in the locker and preventing myself from being caught by him. Eventually I still confessed, to my entire section.

God was throughout with me the whole time, during punishments or whatever crap that I was gotten into, it seems like I wasn't caught for anything, for example not doing the standard push ups or executing the drills properly. Only one time however, I assumed that I left my swimming trunks lying around the bunk, I was punished for that. But eventually in the night, God revealed the truth - that swimming trunk wasn't mine, so apparently I took the blame for that particular section mate. -.-

Few days before booking out, I failed my IPPT test, and gotten into serious trouble. I was asking God if this is what He wanted me to go through, or I didn't enough determination to pull myself up. Yes, until now I can't even do one standard chin-up. At times, I was angry with God and I worried a lot, cause the next test was on the September 3rd. One more failure, and I am out of course. It's either I make it, or break it.

Recently many have been falling sick, but I was still in the pink of health except for muscle aches and sores. I underestimated God, I failed to realize that God was there to ensure that I could continue with training and not fall sick during the confinement period, so that I could book out and enjoy the time with my family and friends.

Thank you God for going through this whole thing with me. There's more to share, but lights out is at 2230.

Good night.

What's my last wish before I enter army? - A simple yet happy family.

Fuck me. I can't wake up on time. I procrastinate. I plan outings and I cancelled. I make friends disappointed all the time. I can't seem to love people properly.

Now even as I prepare to enter, shit happened in the family.

No I don't blame God, I don't blame anyone. I blame myself for being a fucktard.

Thank You for all these, I need to grow in You. Thank You for the cross and the price You've paid.

Thank You for this beautiful exchange, my life for Yours.

The greatest temptation of all, is lust. I need a breakthrough.

Thank God it's Friday. I will be going jogging with my brother Teck Yi, follow which I will be meeting Kok Chye to get my army stuffs. You know something? I have not blogged about my daily activities for a long time, most of my posts are reflective thoughts and mostly crap.

I was browsing through some of my friends' blogs and I was quite impressed, especially posts on their daily acts of love towards people. Continue to keep up the good work! As I am typing this post, I seriously want to sleep, but my dad wants me to settle his Iphone software, and I am losing sleep over this. Is this a way of showing love to my dad? Seriously tired and a bit of agitated, but I hope he will appreciate this.

Food recently has been an anesthetic for me, as I've been getting the pre-army stress. Hershey's sundae pie, finger food, oreo chocolate bubble tea has been flowing through mind everyday! And yes, they are without fail in my stomach in every meal. Talk about fasting, I've never did it ever since the first day. Yes I am struggling with my own flesh.

I just realized I just volunteered to lead worship for this Saturday. I am not yet prepared!

Genting

So suave even when looking at the menu

My first breakfast upon arriving at Genting!

My coolio brother!

A neat room partner

On the other hand... disappointed

Totally gay to the max

Inside the cable car

Don't mess with the cool kids

"First time sitting in the coach?"

As usual, acting cool and failing all the time

The cactus that I've bought for my supervisor

I've to stand against the odds - Tekong Island

It's all in the mind, mind over body. As the days are nearing, I have not yet prepared myself for stormy seas ahead. But thankfully the trip away to Genting was exceptionally awesome, especially with my brother Teck Yi. Pictures have already been uploaded in the Facebook, so you can go take a look at some of my hot bods pictures (Apparently he posted some of my topless pictures in the hotel room).

Fun time's over, now it's time for war.

Oh yeah, I screwed compass test up, totally. But meeting up with the ATFKERS, sweet. Plus another secondary school mate Samuel Sim wrapped the day up for me.

awaken my heart, unveil my eyes

A person who is driven by his feelings to achieve great things never lasts, and that person is none other than me. Procrastination is sweet, I can never get out of that. Will someone throw a long rope and get me out of this bottomless pit? I am starting to be afraid of the darkness inside.

I hate comments/criticism/taunts that discourage me, or to re-phrase, wake my idea up. I appreciate that some of you are trying to get me up and walk on the path of righteousness and just, and please continue to do that. Although at times, I may murmur some crude words under my breath, that's just because I cannot accept the fact that I need to change. I want to change, so please continue to hammer me with the correct thoughts to change my wrong thinking. Thanks a lot. If I need a breakthrough, I would need to break my ego first. Not egg.

I admire people who are straight forward, but when I meet these kind of people for the first time, and they say things such as "Oh my god, you mean you don't use tissue to wipe your mouth? That's disgusting."

At that very instance, you would wish that she was mute. But that's human nature I guess, that's my ego. I need to break it hard and really be humble if I want a breakthrough. All the thoughts of writing my future as the best right winger in loccw. It's total bullshit.

But ahhhh, it's for entertainment purposes, so I guess it shouldn't be a problem eh?

It's getting late, I need rest to prepare for today.

Good morning and night my friends.

It's Friday, and counting down 13 days. I was walking around town with my two buddies in the evening just now, and thought to myself: "How time flies. Everyone is growing up." But whether I have grown a lot in maturity, that is only between God and myself.

I've always imagined going through an interview, and this question would be thrown at me: "Share something about yourself."

How would I answer this question? I don't know how to describe myself, for 19 years I have been living, and it feels like living inside this shell of mine. Who am I? What am I doing here on this earth? Life is like a "tap-and-go" concession card, with each day passing without any meaning in it. And here comes the next birthday cake, you blow the candles, and the next thing you know, you are one year closer to death.

Home is a place of comfort, where I can spend my time with my mom and dad, and brothers. But it seems my brothers don't seem to appreciate it, and their attitude is making life worst at home day by day. If I could, I would bring my parents out and live in another home, a home of mine. Home cooked food is the best a taste bud could ever tasted. Nowadays, young women of our generation can't even differentiate salt and sugar, looks like I am set for life on fast food restaurants. I want to learn cooking someday, depends on my procrastinating mood.

No, I am not being emo here. Just have the sudden urge to pour some of my thoughts.

Sometimes going to church is good, but going there without the correct mind is wrong. Yes the songs are good, the sermons are pleasant to the ears. But the thing is, not practicing it and listening countless of times can be annoying. It's just me. Yesterday, I was reading through my testimonial during my first mission trip during 2008. Now it's 2010, I am back to my old self. Inventing a time machine is useless.

What I need is a breakthrough.