are all women really fanatic about hygiene or housework? i seriously don't know why. even my previous commanders in bmt aren't as fussy as my mom. she keeps talking about household and tidiness and blah blah, please please just stop. i am turning 20 and yet i have to put up with such nonsense, i am already troubled with my own problems at work and with myself. i am seriously screwed up. the only consolation is my pilot interview, even so, the results would only be out on monday! my mom keeps mopping the floor and vacuuming and shouting at me over a strand of hair in the house! do you think she is being over sensitive? phew oh my goodness, this is too much. so much for listening skills, i can't even stand that 100db for more than 5 minutes. its worst enough that i have no room of my own, no privacy. i can't expect to hide in the store room forever.

if my wife is as fussy as my mom, may god take over this life of mine.

i know everyone likes living in a clean and comfortable environment, our house is definitely more cleaner than our neighbors' combined together. so why complain? looks i am going to kiss my weekends in december goodbye already. i deserved it, but please don't add any more fuel to my life already.

i go to work everyday with this sense of fear, fear that i might be out of course due to any stupidity i might create at work. i am getting more and more timid, and this isn't the real me. i want to have more guts, i want to overcome myself, i want to lead people, i want to be an inspiration. and when i die, i want them to remember who i was.

i need to have balls of steel. if i want to grab that girl's number, i will not hesitate nor chicken out. i will approach her and be a gentlemen. but that's not the point. the point is - i need to take charge of my life and not let others say or comment on how i should lead myself.

my mom is too obsessed with the household, no wonder my family is going to bits and pieces. my brother who is struggling with academic doesn't seem to appreciate school, and she keeps reprimanding him without even trying to help him. my dad just sticks to the laptop all day long. second bro is a pure dumb fag who doesn't give a shit about what family is, and all he cares about is himself and money.

sometimes, can i still worship and praise him despite all these? i know god is bigger than all these, i know i know i know. but i don't seem to have this connection with him, its either the router's damaged or my faith has been dropping like flies. i need god's grace to be upon me all the time, i am imperfect. i need god's mercy to be upon my tongue and mind. i need god to be protect me against evil. sometimes i will think that the devil is actually me.

crap i am having so much thoughts running through that i am gonna break the commando's timing.

now here comes part 2: mom versus dad - over the slightest thing again. why can't there be co-operation? why can't there be love?

do i still want to get married? do i still want to have kids?

i think i might have to think more than two times.