The beauty of Facebook-ing is when God speaks to you through it.
The above phrase was typed at a time of 1.30am. Now the time is 2.08am.
During the interval, my mom scolded my two brothers again. My two brothers asked her to shut up and not to meddle in their lives. I am trying to keep my cool while typing this. Yes, frustration and anger is giving me the thought to take a knife from the kitchen and stab them continuously in both of their hearts. Then my mom would dial 999 and take me in. I might just seek forgiveness from God during my time in jail, then face the death penalty.
Why the fuck am I here living with my two brothers? Marcus, you should be glad that you are alone without any siblings. Cherish the moment with your grandparents and mom. Give another few more years, my mom would die earlier than most moms would. Fuck my life with these two brothers. Yes I know God placed them in my life, so I could change them. Right now, I totally give up in them. Well not exactly on the third one, but the second one I am prepared to kill him anytime.
I suddenly understood the feeling that NKT had when he first told me he hated his stepfather, and how he trained hard so that one day he could murder him. I get the thoughts of killing my own brothers, and its scary. Is that myself talking ? Why ? Why ? I am a child of God, and shouldn't I be a role model to the world ? To be the light and salt in my family ?
I feel fuck-ed up. Fuck my two brothers. Fuck those who din't bother to reply my sms-es. Fuck you. Fuck you when you ask me silly questions when you already knew the answer. Fuck you all, seriously.
I wanna break down, I wanna tell someone how fuck-ed up I am now. God, speak to me now. I am sorry that I harbored these evil thoughts, I am sorry when I don't practice what I preach, I am sorry that I never read the bible, I am sorry that I watch porn and tell my friends about it. I am sorry about a lot of things in my life. I know you love me, but I really need your assurance now. That you love me... I am a fucking sinner, with so many fucking problems, especially my two fucking brothers. But still, I want to thank you for all these. Because I wouldn't hang on without you, I wouldn't be down here to venting out all these to you God.
God, I am so fucked up that I worry everyday about money. Yes, I am in debts. Yet I keep spending on eating eating and eating. My mouth just cannot stop. Fuck myself, sometimes I just want to fast, but I can't. Fuck.
Right now, God help my brothers who are also spiritually lost. I bet they are feeling even worser than me. Help them to walk back with you, help them and me to cry out to you. Drinking wouldn't solve the problem, ice cream wouldn't solve the problem. God, come and help all of us to pull through and us up from that dark pit.
Help us help us help us. I will continue hang on onto you. Help me Lord not to harbor thoughts of killing my brothers, I don't even have the guts to kill a cockroach. Help my brothers, help my fucked up brothers, help my mom.
Help me...
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